Diary of a Horcrux
by Gryffindor Pirate
Summary: HILARIOUS FIRST FIC.Voldemort's diary entry of his trip to the grocery store. On the way he is annoyed to the end of his mental tether by Harry, Ron and Hermoine. Very funny first fic. Please R&R! PLEASE! I beg you! R&R!
1. The Bus of Doom

**Disclaimer:** The following characters aren't mine, they are JK Rowlings, she outbid me fair & square on ebay for them.

**A/N:** First fic, please review. any opinions welcome (unless ur Jamie Kennedy)but noflames please (if u don't like it, don't read it!). PLEASE R&R!

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Dear Diary,

As you may know, I didn't write an entry for yesterday. Well, I had a perfectly good reason. I'll tell you all about it in this entry. It all started at the bus stop.

The night was wintry, and mist could be seen as a light blanket across the stars. I pulled my robe around myself tighter. Damn weather. I thought to myself, thinking of the chilly nights recently passed. I continued on down the path, which had become covered in over grown grass and weeds. A flashing streetlight dimly lighted the area. Going to have a seizure soon. I thought. I turned the corner and found a bus stop with a bench. The bench was rusty and had pieces of paint hanging off of it, but I was tired, so I decided to risk any illnesses and sit on it.

I sat waiting for the next bus. I was going to the grocery store to pick up a bag of flour for the cake I was baking. I had recently picked up baking to help settle my rage. I drummed my fingers against the bench as I waited, picking up the tempo with each tap. A screeching sound soon came. Gradually, I started to sing a tune to go along with the tapping.

"_Come on baby we ain't gonna live fore-ever. Let me show you all the things that we could do. Know you wanna be together, and I wanna spend the night with you. Yeah yeah. With you, yeah yeah. Come with me tonight, we can make the night last for-ever…"_ I sang.

I looked up and saw the bus careening around the corner. I stood up and picked up my satchel. Stepping out into view of the bus, I reached for my wand.

The bus slowed down and the doors swung open to reveal an old man sitting behind the wheel of the bus. His hair was frazzled, and his glasses sat crookedly on his pointed nose. His skin was so wrinkled and dry it was as though he had been baked.

"Where to?" he asked in a creaky voice.

"Grocery store." I told him.

"That'll be $5." He told me.

I glared at him, and raised my wand, "I don't think so."

"Who do you think you are punk?" the driver said.

I lowered my hood and watched as the driver's eyes filled with fear.

"Go r-r-right ahead s-s-sir." He stammered.

I smiled and lowered my wand back into my pocket.

I looked for an available (and clean) seat. There were none nearby, so I headed for the middle. I soon found one. I lifted the hood of my robe back up before anyone else recognized who I was. That's when I saw _him_. That boy. The annoying little snitch and his aggravating friends, I think they're names are, erm, ah, who cares! Point is that, that conniving little boy, Harry Potter, is here. Just who does he think he is? Going around as 'the boy who lived'. My mother's cousin's friend's uncle had cancer and he survived. Why isn't he known as 'the man who lived'? I'll tell you what he is: an attention seeker. Every year, I return to his blasted school, to try and get my report card from my seventh year, and he goes off his rails and tries to kill me. Sure, I've killed some people before, but, hey, I'm just your average guy here.

I pulled out a book and turned to where I had placed the leather bookmark. The book was _Pride and Prejudice_, it's my favourite, no one knows that, and I intend to keep it that way. I was half way through the page when I felt something smack the back of my head. As I felt it fall behind my back, I reached back and felt what it was. It was a paper airplane. Carefully, I unfolded it, to read what it said. _Guess who! _I scrunched the paper up and turned around. The boy and his friends were whistling, trying to avoid suspicion. I glared at them and hurled the paper back. It hit the redhead between the eyes. He instantly burst into tears. Quite pleased with my terrific aim, I turned back around to my novel. I was up to the part where Jane gets an invitation from the Bingley's. My favourite parts were the balls. Oh how I dreamed of being able to attend such a marvelous event without people running in terror.

Then, another one hit me. Those blasted paper airplanes. This one landed in my lap. I picked it up and unfolded it. This one read, '_whatever you do, don't turn around_.' Stupid kids. Like I'd listen to them. So, being naturally smarter than the three of them combined, I turned around. **Smack! **Something hit my face. I wiped my eyes and examined the substance. A tomato. Sneaky little kids had used reversed psychology on me. And they wonder why I try and kill them. Do you have any idea how much I've had to spend on psychiatrist bills because of them?

Instead of ignoring them again, I stood up and walked to the back of the bus where the trio was sitting. They were in hysterics. The nerve of them.

"What do YOU want?" the red head said.

"Yeah, come to ask for a hair growth spell?" the girl laughed.

"Watch your tongue." I glared at her, and raised my wand.

"Come on, you know you won't win." Potter said.

As much as I knew he was right, I could never let him know that I knew that. Wow, what a tongue twister.

"You won't be so lucky this time Potter." I threatened.

"Yellow MnM's." Potter said smugly.

"Where?" Iasked looking around frantically.

"_Wingardium Leviosa!_" I heard Potter say.

Damn! They found my weakness and distracted me! I was flung into the air and hit the roof of the bus. I reached for my wand. Blast! I couldn't think of a curse! Aha! Using my great battle tactics I took my wand and flung it at Potter's head. **Smack! **Bulls-eye! Right between the eyes!

"Argh! I'm blind!" he shrieked.

"Oh shut up Potter, it didn't go anywhere near your eye." I snarled.

"As much as I hate to admit it, he's right Harry, it hit between your eyes." The girl pointed out.

"Wait, hang on, ok, alright, it's better." Potter said, rubbing his eyes.

"Aaaahh!" I screamed as the Wingardium Leviosa was stopped and I hit the bus floor.

The brat pack was in hysterics. I stood up and cracked my back, back in place.

"Laugh while you can children." I snapped.

"Oh, we will! This is hilarious!" Potter said.

"You won't find it so funny when you're in your cold, cold grave Potter!" I threatened.

"Few more horcruxes, and you'd be joining me." He scoffed.

"Those first few were easy, targets. You'll have much more trouble with the next one's, I assure you." I replied.

"Bring it." Potter responded.

I growled and returned back to my seat. If people saw me fighting with an idiot, they might not know the difference. I heard Potter and his insignificant friends howling with laughter in the background.

I took my book out again and opened back to the page I was on. In the background, I could faintly hear their conversation.

"Who does he think he's messing with?" Potter said.

"Yeah, he probably can't face up to wizards his own age, so he tries to make himself look better by battling kids." The red head replied.

"And his hair! Where is it? Ew!" the girl said.

I found the last comment a little hypocritical. Had she looked in the mirror recently?

"Hey, let's use a banana this time!" the red head said.

"Brilliant!" Potter exclaimed.

"But that's a waste of a perfectly good banana." The girl said.

"Yeah, good point. Hey, what's he reading?" Potter replied.

"Hmmm, _Pride and Prejudice_." The girl responded.

"Idea! Let's –" Potter started to say. I couldn't hear the rest because it was all whispered. Although I did hear laughing and a few 'brilliant!'s. I tried to ignore them and returned to my book. Then, the silence was interrupted.

"Braliverso!" the girl shrieked.

What spell was that? I looked down and saw my beloved book glowing bright orange.

"No!" I screamed.

Soon the glowing stopped. I silently thanked God (myself, hehe) for not letting them harm it.

"Can't wait to see his reaction." The red head stifled a giggle.

"Neither." Replied the other two.

My book didn't look any different. Then I read some of the text. Blast! It was all in brail. I snapped the book shut and put it back into my satchel. The three stooges were in hysterics again. I heard the toot of the bus horn and looked out the window. Finally! My stop! I grabbed my things and bolted for the front of the bus. Unfortunately, I hadn't seen Potter sneak up behind and trip me, flat on my face.

"Anymore for this stop?" I heard the driver say.

"Me!" I shrieked.

He didn't hear me. As he shut the door and started to drive away, I died a little inside.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" I screamed.

"You're in my territory now." Potter said.

For the rest of the night, I had to endure their terrible tortures, before they eventually got bored and went home. I will succeed in killing them this year I guarantee it. Devious little horror won't be laughing so hard at the end of the year. Well, that's all for now.

**Love and kisses,**

Voldemort 

**xoxo**


	2. Reminiscing

**Reminiscing **

Dear Diary,

Dawn is upon us, which means my plan will soon be taking place. It's only a matter of time before Potter finds out, but by then, it will be too late. After many failed attempts to complete my dastardly plan, I finally have all I need to ensure that Potter won't disrupt them. Oh, how rude of me diary. 7 years, and I've never actually fully explained my plan. You see diary, it all started in my third year at Hogwarts...

Ah yes, school. The worst part of my teenage years. Worse than when I discovered I was balding at age 16, worse than when I had to detach my incomplete self to the back of that turban-wearing kiss arse. Yes, school was a horrid memory. The only one I could confide in was my diary. And no, that is totally not gay! Boy's can have diaries too! Sometimes we need to express our thoughts and feelings too, or we could go mad. Oh wait, that's already happened, well, what the hell am I writing in this thing for?...I'm lonely, that's why. Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked.

It was a beautiful morning, murky and frostbitten. Tryouts for the Slytherin Quidditch team were taking place and I was proudly lining up to try out. I knew I was good - the best in fact. I wondered what position I would be placed in. My heart beat rapidly as I thought about each possibility. I was so lost in thought that I almost missed my ex-name being called out.

_'Tom Riddle!' _

I took my head out of the clouds and began to focus on the task at hand. I took out my broomstick and took off.

My confidence dropped soon after. I failed all of the first tasks. Then, along came the one task I had been studying 'Quidditch for Dummies' for. The Seeker challenge. Of course, now, there aren't any 'challenges', they just have to see you flying well, and you're in. Yes...you know who I'm talking about...Potter. The Seeker challenge started, and I took a deep breath.

The last thing I remember was seeing something come flying towards me. I woke up in the hospital wing, with a swollen cheek. Bludgers, was my first thought.

'That was a bit of a nasty hit wasn't it?' the nurse stated.

I glared at her. How dare she speak to me!

'First time I've seen anyone get knocked out by the Golden Snitch.' she chuckled.

The Golden Snitch! How could _I_ be knocked out by a tiny golden ball? The idea of it baffled me.

So you see diary, my evil plan is thus. To return to Hogwarts, and take the position on the Slytherin Quidditch team that is rightfully mine. I WILL BE SEEKER!

Love & Kisses,

Voldemort

P.S. Potter will perish!


	3. The Hemale

The Hemale

Dear Diary,

Today was another lazy day. I had sent the Death Eaters to scare Potter and his allies, and had taken the day off to relax. But what to do? Plot the death of Potter? No, already did that. Plot the death of Paris Hilton? Nah, someone's probably going to beat me to it. Eventually, the idea came to me. I was itching to see that new Pothead movie. I don't like to toot my own horn diary, but I heard Ralph Fiennes did a bang up job playing me.

So off I went to the local cinema. The blasted line was huge. I soon took care of that though diary. A few Aveda Kadevra's and I was at the front of the concession. The dimwitted ticket person stood frozen behind the granite counter.

"One ticket to Potter." I hissed.

The blank expression across the acne-smeared face of the boy remained, then, "Whoooah! Dude! Great costume!"

I glared at him, "COSTUME!!! You're going to regret those words boy!"

The boy's face dropped, "I'm a girl."

Damn emo kids! All look the same!

"Prepare to die - Mildred!" I exclaimed, having to read the hemale's name tag.

"Is there a problem here sir?" a round man with a styled moustache asked.

"Yes. Mildred here insulted my honour, she is unaware of who I am, and believes my garments to be a 'costume'. She will die for that!" I responded, raising my wand.

"Now now sir, we would _all_ like to kill Mildred, but then the police'd have to be involved, and we don't want that now do we? Tell you what, Mildred will apologize, and we'll give you a large popcorn, on the house."

I considered it for a moment, "Would the popcorn be buttered?"

"Nothing but the best for our favourite patron." the man beamed.

"Deal."

I walked off with my popcorn, towards the 9th cinema room. In the background I heard the man whisper something to the hemale.

"Mildred, I told you, when you get the loonies, press the yellow button!"

I smirked as I reconsidered how I would kill the girl, and the man.

I took a seat in the middle of the cinema. It was where I always sat. It used to be the back, but those damn teenagers decided to migrate there to make out. The front seats were for preschool children, and everybody knows the seats on the side are crap. The movie began, and I sighed as the first of 15 commercials began. Then I heard a horrific sound.

"The Dursley's locked me in the cupboard again." came the familiar voice.

I turned around_. Noooooooo!!! Potter! Ugh! And he's with his allies! Why won't he leave me alone?! Oh crap! He saw me!_

"Looks like tonight's gonna be a bit o' fun." Potter cracked his fingers, and the trio moved to the row directly behind me, with the girl sitting directly in front, so I could barely see the screen.

"So Tom. How've you been? Found miracle growth yet?" Potter laughed, referring to my bald head.

I hissed, "Die Potter!"

I raised my wand, but that teacher's pet was too quick for me, and I was disarmed.

"Look, it's my day off, so piss off, and I'll leave you alone." I said, folding my arms.

The red head shook his head, "No, you see, it don't work like that. We're here to have a bit o' fun too."

I buried my head in my hands.

For the rest of the movie, the trio would have their own commentaries, throw _my_ popcorn at the screen, make bodily function noises, and pretend to pick my nose whenever my role was on screen. After watching the movie, I realized something too. In the movie, Ralph Fiennes bears a startling resemblance to me, which made me realize...I'm fat diary! Huge! Like a whale! _Must be all the buttered popcorn. _

When I left the movie, I was too upset to think about killing Mildred or the man, or even Potter. I looked to the ground, but got even more upset when I saw my cankles.

Love & Kisses,

Fatty V


	4. Cankles

Cankles 

Dear Diary,

Well, after my depressing realization yesterday, I'd decided it's about time I joined one of those diet/gym things. But which direction should I go? The 'eat whatever you want but sweat your backside off' or the 'eat 3 pieces of lettuce and sit on your fat ass all day' path? The decision was tough diary, but after a painful day of trials, I've found the answer. Firstly, let me tell you how I came to this conclusion.

I woke up this morning with a heavy head. My head had been swimming with images of 'No Fat Chicks' all night, and I decided I was no longer attractive enough to face the world head on. I'm a very vain person diary, which is why I always spend extra time getting ready in the mornings. Plucking my nose hairs, etc. My Death Eaters had attempted to cheer me up by pointing out hoboes with extra long toenails, to no avail. I sighed when I heard my cankles pound against the wooden floorboards as I dragged myself from my bed.

For a moment, I considered what my first option was. The gym. I was sure I could find something for me there. I could ride those bicycles, lift some weights, or join one of those clubs. I pondered this while I waited for the bus.

Upon arrival at the gym, I was greeted by silence. I sighed a sigh of relief. At least these people know to fear me. I approached the girl behind the counter.

"Excuse me." I hissed.

The girl stifled a laugh, "Can I help you…sir?"

I raised my eyebrow, "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course." the girl said bluntly.

I paused, I couldn't be bothered killing her, my cankles were distracting me, "Very well."

"So…how can I help you?" the girl asked again.

"I'm here to sign up. Sign me up to your most effective class." I demanded.

The girl burst into laughter.

"How _dare _you mock me! The dark lord!"

"I'm sorry sir, it's just, well…this is a women's only gym." the girl calmed herself down.

I looked around the gym. _Crap, she's right! And this is the only gym in town that doesn't charge you extra to use the equipment! _I quickly left the gym, feeling embarrassed enough. Then a brilliant idea came to me.

About half an hour later I returned to the gym. This time wearing a long black wig. _They won't suspect a thing._ I returned to the girl behind the counter. After some rather good female impersonations I was in. My first class was gymnastics.

I reached the room for gymnastics and took it all in. There wasn't much there, other than a climbing rope, a few balance beams and a metal bar across a pit of foam. I decided to start with the closest item and work my way around the room. I approached the swaying rope and grabbed on. _Piece of cake. _I chuckled at the sheer easiness of it. _My cankles will be ankles in a matter of days. _I hoisted myself onto the rope, and began climbing.

After much struggle, I reached the top.

"Yes! I'm the king of the world!" I shrieked.

Then it hit me. How could I get down without stumbling over my robes? I decided it would be easiest for me to go upside down. BIG MISTAKE. As soon as I turned myself around my blasted wig fell off and my bald head was revealed to all below.

"Eek! There's a man!" a woman with chest hair squealed.

"No, no, I'm uh…just….look! Pie!" I screamed and jumped to the floor.

While the furry woman looked around desperately for the non-existent pie, I took off running.

So diary, that's how I scratched the gym from my plan. The only thing left was the diet route. Now all I had to do was to pick which diet route. Jenny Craig? Lite & Easy? The decision was tough diary. I eventually decided to go with Jenny Craig. Why? I'm not sure, but Lite & Easy seemed a bit too easy. I also didn't like the idea of my meals having to be delivered. Who knows what they could do to them? For all I knew it was one of Potter's schemes and he'd replace the cashews with Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans.

Soon diary, I will return to my athletic self. Cankles will be a thing of the past.

Love & Kisses,

Soon to be thin again, Fatty V


	5. Why I Hate Kirsty Alley

Why I Hate Kirsty Alley 

Dear Diary,

I write to you today with a broken spirit. Why am I so melancholic today? Well you see diary, about three days ago I began my diet.

"You can eat anything you want!" the manly voice of Kirsty Alley continuously bellowed through my mind.

Bullshit diary! I've been eating _all _my regular foods, cakes, pies; choc-banana smoothies…mmmm…wait, getting sidetracked again. Anyway, I've gained like five pounds! I have every intention of personally tracking down Alley and killing her in person. No one makes a fool of Lord Voldemort! Well…maybe Potter…but he won't do it again! Kirsty Alley was a horrible person to use as a spokesperson too diary. One minute, she's pounding about the room in a lingerie-like bikini, the next she's strutting around, _twice _as big, in gypsy clothes. You know, the long flowing robe like skirts in hideous shades of pink?

Anyway diary, sorry I have to keep this short, but Kirsty's going to McDonalds in about twenty minutes and well, can't be late now, can we?

Love & Kisses,

Voldemort


End file.
